Flawless

People tell me I'm a genius, smart, talented. There's a boy who once, twice, asked me, "How is your life so well put together? How are you so perfect?"
Straight A's, 4.0 GPA, Carnegie Hall, Lincoln Center...black and white keys that swim in front of my eyes...

I feel like a girl who's melting, with rough edges, sticky edges, and tiny cracks all the way through, a perfection-shaped blob.

Keeping my distance so people only see the person who's a genius, with that 4.0, with that piano. So I can hear their praise, so the boy with star-filled eyes can look at me and wonder how I've built myself so well.

Why am I like this? The girl in the mirror smiles, like she's been trained to do.

"You. You made me like this~"

I'd Do It All Again

You know that Fall Out Boy song? The Kids Aren't Alright?

And in the end

I'd do it all again

I think you're my best friend

I think you're my best friend.

I think you're my best friend.

I still do.

Do you know who you are? If you ever read this again, would you know? You know, I don't have a best friend anymore. No one's filled that hole.

I'm fine with that, I really am. Instead of one best friend, I have three, and many more who are close. But no matter how hard you try to fill one person-shaped hole with three people, you're still going to have gaps. Gaps those other friends can't reach.

You know, I'm over it. I understand completely. I understand what I did wrong, and I swear I'll never treat another friend the same again. I'm changed. I won't ever let myself fall into the pit I did when you were there.

I only keep writing this in the hope that you might remember this exists and look at it one day. Maybe you'll see that I miss you.

I miss you.

Give me another chance.

Reflections

Sometimes you have to let things go. Sometimes things leave you behind, or you have to leave them behind, and then you're left feelings like you're alone.
But you still have yo let it go.

I fell in love for the first time this year. I had friends, and I shared that love. A lot. That's what happens, I guess, when you fall in love. You can't just pretend it doesn't exist. Even to people who might hate it, you can't just not love, even if it's just acting.

I felt heartbreak for the first time this year too, just a little taste of it. It was complicated. I got him in trouble, and boy, he resented it. It's not the best feeling in the world when the one you love thinks you don't love him and hates you for it.

I was lucky. I only felt constant pain for a week.

He's felt constant pain for much longer than that.

Still, we made up.

Our separation came slower than it could have. We only lasted two months. The break up was gentle, just a side conversation in between classes. He was dating someone else, a boy named ----.

We'd both seen it coming long ago, so it didn't hurt as much as it could've. We hugged. We smiled. I flipped him off when he bashed my Hetalia ship.

I cried a little, on my own, but it was little, so little.

When you first love someone, you can't keep it to yourself. He didn't. He only talked about ----. I could see them making out when I walked past them during lunch.

It didn't hurt.

I wonder if my friend's alright.
I wonder if she's okay.
I hope that she can wait it through.
I hope she'll keep them at bay.

Once upon a time, I had a friend. She was light and I was dark and I was too dark and the darkness clouded my eyesight and I saw only my own darkness, not her light, as much as she tried to give me some. And then I saw, and it was too late, and maybe this whole time, she hasn't been as light as I thought. I wish I could apologize, but nope I can't, because that would be weird. It's okay though, we're not completely through, there's this chat that's open, though it's a one-sided conversation.

There's something I'd like to say, but there's no one here to read it.

So hello, world! I write random thoughts and I post them online sometimes, and they're all at your fingertips, but none of you will see it. It's cool, though, this blog has my memories.

I didn't delete the old posts, I just put them as drafts. Sometimes I reread them, just for the feels.

I don't care that no one reads this, but I hope that the one that matters will come back for the memories and see all these notes, all of them for her.

Buh-bye, peeps!

Me and My Best Friend (:p)

What am I doing? I wonder to myself as I type another paragraph. Why am I still here? And everyone else...is not?

Maybe I’m just a shell. Maybe I’m not really here. Tap. Tap. Another paragraph. Yes, that’s it. I guess I am just trapped in my paragraphs. Maybe that’s where my memories are.

I see moons. Red moons, blue moons…. I wonder if they are part of my paragraphs too.

Or… maybe I am just a robot. Clackity-clack. Another paragraph. Yes, that’s it. Maybe I have to be here, and my hands move of their own accord. I type and type, unsure of what I am doing. Maybe that’s it.

Or… do you think that maybe everyone else is here, but I can’t see them? Maybe they’re watching me type. Hello, everyone! Letters and letters coming from my mind. Another paragraph. Yes, that’s it. They are all watching me now. They can read what I write. But… what can I write? I don’t know what to do.

Or… or… or… … … …

I can hear the bell ringing as I type another paragraph. It keeps ringing and ringing and it won’t stop. I guess if I go over and answer the door, it will finally quiet down. But… where’s the door? I don’t remember anymore.

Mumbles and jumbles of words. Another paragraph.

If it goes any faster I’ll get dizzy. I wonder what hope feels like. I wonder what it means to wonder. I wonder if I have hoped before… Why isn’t anyone else here. Why doesn’t it get lonely?

For the first time, I break away from the screen and stare at my hands. My poor hands, all slender and pale and itching for a keyboard.

For the first time, I’m not typing. For the first time, I see the lines on my hands.

For the first time, I think I can hear something other than the bell. What… is it? I see a… a… What is that?

It has a keyboard. My hands itch for it. But… what about my paragraphs? But… what about that keyboard?

For the first time, I push a bond away. I walk up to something new and I put my hands on it. For the first time, I know what to do. For the first time, I create something beautiful, from my heart. For the first time, I can see what I make.

Another paragraph? No. Another song.

Say hello to me...

You know, I wonder...
Why do we care so much?
That's a stupid question. We care because we do.

(Has anyone seen the new Ash for the new Pokemon anime in Alola? He looks STUPID! Poor Ash)

Say hello to me. Who am I? I'm the girl who tried to climb the wall. I'm the girl who failed, but in trying, I passed. Now my life means so much more, because even though I'm still trapped here, at least I tried. I've got the scars and cuts to prove it. And now? Now, I know how to pretend that I succeeded, because when I climbed, I got a glimpse of the outside world. I got a glimpse of all the wonderfulness outside, and I know that no matter what, I don't live at the edge of the world. I tried to leave, but what I found was that there is nowhere to leave. Climbing the walls outside of my castle--my safety--was stupid, but it was worth it. Now I know that I am me.

I mean, who else can say that they live in the castle that used to be on the edge of the cliff that is our world?
_________________________

Say hello to me, the girl with no hope. Everything sucks. I hate the world, I hate life, I hate everything! The person I used to turn to has started to fade away. Every time I try to grab hold, all I get is a handful of fog. I'd like to turn to my piano, but it's not that easy. I turn that way, and the stress hits me in the face. I hate performing more than anything else. The fear! It's the worst. Everytime I get up on that stage, put my fingers on that strange piano that hundreds of strangers have played before me, bow to the audience, play? It's like someone reaches into my heart and squeezes- and never lets go.
___________________________

Say hello to me, the girl who doesn't care. You know what? I don't care. I don't care anymore that the only person outside of my family that I would be willing to die for is nearly gone. I can survive on my own! I really can. If only you were here to believe me...
Okay, fine. I'm not the girl who doesn't care. I'm the girl who wishes and lies that she doesn't care. Because that's better than facing what's real.
_____________________________

Say hello to me, the girl who doesn't exist. ..................................................................................................................................
___________________________


I love you all.
I hate you all.
I don't care.
I care.
I'm blind.
I saw.
Say hello to me, the girl of contradictions.
Say hello to me, the most confused of them all.
Say hello to me, the loneliest of them all.
Can we be friends?
Say hello to me, the most childish of them all.
I'll give all that I have to keep you from fading away.
Say hello to me, the most desperate of them all.



But most of all? Say hello to me, the most hopeful of them all.
Because I can say that I don't care, that I can't see, that I don't exist, that I hate everything, but no matter what, it's hope that keeps me going.
It's hope.
Because truth is, a lot of people say that hope is stupid, that it only makes reality hurt more... It's true. It does hurt more. But when sometimes it feels like that's all there is, it's okay to cling to hope.
Cause truth is, hope isn't all there is. I, some random person on the internet with nothing better to do, believe in you. That's almost nothing, but it's something. There has to be something else holding you down, even if you don't realize it. So you cling to hope for a better tomorrow. You cling to the hope that that person whose fading away wil unfade. You cling to the hope that everything will be better.

So for those of you who have sucky lives, don't give up.
Don't.
Or else I will hate you for all eternity...
Just kidding!
That didn't help at all, huh.....
Whatever.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who lived in the castle at the end of the world. She loved chocolate and her piano and music and anime, but in the end all she got was...everything! Her life was lit up, coloful, bright, brilliant!
Yeah, she wished.
Her life wasn't perfect, she knew that, and she felt it also.
But it was okay, because she was just a figment of my imagination, even though I loved her all the same. (No, not really.)

Good-bye, girl who lived in the castle at the end of the world.
It was nice knowing you, even though it was only for the five seconds it took me to write this.

Who knows?
I don't. It's okay, though, because I don't want to know everything. I know I love chocolate, my piano, music, anime, Pokemon Go, writing, my friends, rewatching the sad parts of anime, crying sometimes, laughing, my brothers (maybe), my brousin (maybe), my family, the orchestra I'm not in at school because I didn't know they had a piano but it's okay because maybe I'll try next year--- See? My life doesn't suck. And maybe, just maybe, yours doesn't either. I sure hope yours doesn't.



Enjoy your day.